Philosophical thoughts.

 I have these not in the shower but in the bath. Partly because when I'm in the shower I pretend I'm in a dramatic music video therefore all my important thoughts come when I'm in the bath. 

So today I did the lottery and whenever I do the lottery, which isn't often, I always think about what I do with it if I won. I say all the typical things...you know buy a house (mine is a small cottage in a remote village with a spare room that serves as a mini library and a makeshift gym in the conservatory), travel (several different countries and a round trip for about 6 months), car (a simple smart car would be fine...maybe a convertible but I live in the UK and its only warm here for 2 minutes so I always find the idea of a convertible silly) and Balaaaaa. Then comes the real question of who I will help/share my winnings with.....My true nature shows itself...I'm not a nice person. Not in the sense I wouldn't share it because I would but in the sense of my brain is a bitch who is like 'does this person deserve it' and this is where the true deep thinking comes in to play. In my heart nothing means more to me than helping others. I love the feeling of giving and that feeling when you know you've had an impact on someone's life. It's like your life has some form of meaning. But I'm human, I also have a selfish side. (I'm also pretty sure some evolutionary survival theory pops up somewhere here...INSERT THE RICHARD DAWKINS THEORY OF SURVIVAL) It can also be described as a grudging side. I hold long grudges. I know it's awful so don't give me that look!! Recently I've had problems. Money problems and Emotional problems. I asked people for help (despite how annoyingly proud and stubborn I can be) and...they said they would...but they haven't. They're only around when they need something from me. So would I help them out? My heart says yes but my head says no. BUT then I'm also a believer that the way you treat others has an impact on how they treat others. (Everything I'm writing is actually kind if evidence for this if you think about it) so if I helped them despite them not helping me would that make them want to help others more? Pay it forward. Which would be amazing. 

Which brings me onto something else I've always said I would do. However this belief completely contradicts the above believe....I have a lot of contradictory beliefs okay? Shut up.Go away. Even though I'm a big believer in 'everything happens for a reason' (but bizarrely I don't believe in religion....although I do believe there's something much bigger than us...I just don't believe that there's a god out there that would 'hate' his own creation) so in retrospect if I was to go to town and say 'I'm going to sit down on this bench,close my eyes and the first person I see when I open my eyes I'm going to give a £1000 then, according to what I believe, that person is meant to be given it and there's a bigger meaning surrounding an apparent act of randomness. (MAYBE THIS DOES FIT IN WITH THE EVOLUTIONARY BELIEF BECAUSE MAYBE 'WE EVOLVED FOR A REASON' OKAY?) I like the idea of being able to set some dominoes off and the air of mystery of now knowing what the out come will be. So: 
1)I give the money to this random some stranger 
2) this person uses the money for whatever 
3) this 'whatever' reason causes something else 
4)this 'something else' causes 'something' else and these 'something's else's just keep happening. 
See. A very long domino effect. I just think that's amazing. No. Not amazing. Incredible. But...that's kind of the same with every action we do. Every single little action we perform each day will impact the world. Even something simple like smiling at someone in the street. They see you smile and feel a bit happier which then makes them hold the door open for someone and then that someone performs a nice gesture for someone else and can you see where I'm going with this? People go on and on about changing the world not realising that they do so every single moment of their lives just not in the way they expect but they are. If you're one of these people who want to change the world for the better you can do so simple by being a good person who treats people better. We're a very intelligent species who don't observe the obvious.

 'My religion is simple. My religion is kindness'  - Dalai Lama

London marathon 2014

I was up at 4am...4AM...FOUR....AM....on the 29th April to sign up for this! 4AM! Ballots opened at 12am and I was going to stay up but I got too tired and knew I'd have to get up early for work the next day anyway so fell asleep. Oops. Ballots closed in a record time of 11 and 1/2 hours (so I was technically 7 and 1/2 hours EARLY and don't take this away from me because that's the earliest I've ever been for anything)  I have to wait until early October to find out....so even though I was up at the crack of dawn it doesn't guarantee me a place! I don't think I'll get a place, I was talking to a guy who's entered the ballot for the past 5 years and has never got a place! I would love love love loooooove it if I did get a place, it's something I've always wanted to do. Imagine crossing the finish line and thinking 'I just ran the London Marathon!' - you can tell people 'I did it!' That must be an amazing feeling! The pride and emotion that comes with completion must be so intense AND I'll be running for cancer research and that just means so much MORE!!!!!

I have a year to train but I think I may need 2 years! Its 26.2 miles! The furthest I've ran is about 5 miles. I'm following a training plan that states by October (when I find out if I have a place or not) I should be at marathon level...so in 21 weeks or 153 days I SHOULD be able to run 26.2 miles. Hmmmmmmm. So...if I actually follow this plan and it ACTUALLY works....this could be interesting and to be honest at least I'll lose weight and get fitter even if I don't get a place.

But I won't be running alone. oh no I won't! I signed Hannah up to. I don't think she was too impressed when she got the confirmation email....

I had to go to work but I would of loved to have seen her face when she opened the email! She wants to do it anyway so she thanked me after. It's going to be hard work if we do get places and at the moment I'm not too bothered and in my head it's not going to happen so if I get an email saying I've got a place I'll officially poop myself. I'll be terrified. Hopefully Laura will be running aswell! I hope so! My 2 favourite people EVER running by my side....or about 5 miles in front of me.....

I'm trying to save but now I'm thinking of all the things I need to buy. 

I have trainers but I want the new Nike trainers

I want new running trousers and on the day I want to wear shorts. 

I want a running top

I want to stay over in London after the marathon. 

ugh. I need to win the lottery. 

If you really look at it I'm quite a selfish person....

On a plus note today I transferred money to pay off half my debt. Next month is the other half then its finished!!!!! Then I'm officially debt free. BOOM! I'm so excited. The feeling of being debt free will be like a runners high =D 

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Staffordshire Film Festival. 

So one of my closest friends is very talented at making animation movies and having a friend this talented has its benefits. Tickets to movie festivals. One of her animations was entered into the film festival this year and the little superstar won 'Best Animation'!

It was the longest day ever though, an hour and half to get there and then a 6 hour day of watching movies. I had lots of coffee. 

Of all the movies I would say there was about 4 that blew me away. One, of course, was Lauras which I'm trying upload but it wont let me! Ah! 

One of my favorites was a short film called 'Driftwood' by James Webber. This was INCREDIBLE. It gave me goosebumps. Its about a fifteen year old swimmer called Sam. He lives in 2 very different worlds. His swimming world and the world outside swimming where he's threatened by gangs and abused by his dad. 

http://www.driftwoodfilm.co.uk/

To me, the message of this film was 'you can let life make you or break you'  I think I could do a whole post on this film alone. It's one of those films that's just so inspiring you feel so optimistic after watching it. Having the talent to inspire people like this is a talent that I would love.
Another film was a zombie apocalypse one. I LOVE my zombie apocalypses so as I as soon as I saw it I was like 'this is gonna be good!' and it was EPIC! I've also ACTUALLY got a youtube link (because it won't let me post the video via youtube :s) so you can watch it:
22 hours
my 2 favorite quotes from this are:
'Sometimes the most beautiful moments come from the worst 
and
We've become so obsessed with the future that we don't see the beautiful all around us. It is beautiful. 
The last film I liked....well I say liked I actually think it was the longest, most boring film of the day  but when I finally understood the meaning I was like 'oh. That's pretty cool' I can't remember what the film was called but I can talk about the meaning. 'Beauty is in the eye of the beholder' it showed the artist living a run down area and it looked quite an awful place to live however when he painted his favourite place to visit he made it look so beautiful because to him its a place of beauty, calm and serenity despite the way it looked. His experiences and memories made him view this broken area with love. It reminded me of my all time favourite Doctor Who Quote:

“You know sometimes you meet someone so beautiful and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later they’re as dull as a brick? Then there’s other people, when you meet them you think, “Not bad. They’re okay.” And then you get to know them and their face just sort of becomes them, like their personality’s written all over it. And they just turn into something so beautiful.”

-Amy Pond

Did I just bring Doctor Who into this post...? Yes. Yes I did.

Overall the day was brilliant, the atmosphere with brilliant and the sweet stand was brilliant.

Psychics and their coffees!

TODAY I'm blogging from my floor because the dogs have taken over the sofas. Ugh. 

So, I have to blog about what happened today because it was so weird. 

A guy came into the coffee shop for a regular Americano to takeaway. As I was making his coffee he said 'turn around a second' so I did and he then said 'you have a fear that you're never going to have kids and I want you to know that you've been told things that are not true and you're going to have a beautiful baby girl' 

Background story: I've been told that I there's only a slight chance of me being able to children and yes, I have a huge fear that I will never have children of my own and will never find anyone that wants to be with a women who can't have children

HOW did this guy know!? It's so weird. I've never told anyone - not even my bestfriend - how scared I am that I will never have a family. Now, you will have your own beliefs on this kind of stuff but if I'm being honest I do believe in it to an extent. I think its because I read too much. I don't know. I think right now I'm just really hoping that this guy was telling the truth. I can't begin to tell you how it feels to be told that you may never be a mother. I feel its something you can't really begin to understand until you're in that position. Its like a horrible aching in your chest. On the news you hear about parents abusing their children, you hear about people having children to get benefits, you hear about children being abandoned, and it makes me so angry. There so many people that take having children for granted and then there's so many deserving people that would do anything to be able to have their own children. I'm one of those people. I look at my nephew and I love him so much. I'd do anything for him. I just feel 'if this is how much I love my nephew just think how much I'd love my own child.

So yeah...I hope, reeeeeeeaaaly hope, that psychics do exist and that he was telling the truth. Call me gullible. 

On another note...I want to be psychic. Or just have magic powers...I'd even settle for good instinct. I love spiritual stuff, its so interesting. Science kind of shits on this kind of stuff though but you know what? Miracles happen everyday so maybe one day I will have 'a beautiful little girl' 
I think that also means I'm not going to be forever alone with my 6 Husky dogs that I'm going to attach to sledge and use to get me around instead of a mobility scooter.

Stay with me people, you're watching me change my life.

Okay, So my biggest problem was money management. I suck at handling money. I get money and its like I HAVE to spend it. Its there, I have it. I love going into a shop and being able to say 'I'll have that' and I just don't think! I brought a huge mug when I went to London a couple of weeks ago. WHY CHARLIE WHY! I only drink from small mugs - I didn't need that huge mug. It was just because it was from M&M world. I loved M&M world.

Fantastic photography by me. 

and I'm ACTUALLY using the mug as somewhere to put my hair grips. 

My mug smiles at me all the time.

Anyway...IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL! The reason I went to London was to go to the British Museum but for some reason I got more excited about M&M world. More about London in another post right now we're talking MONEY MANAGEMENT.

So right now I have little money in my bank because I've been spending, spending, spending. I've brought clothes, books, food, went to London, erm....and loads of other stuff I didn't actually need to do...so really what I brought today you could call irony. AT LEAST I'M TRYING OKAY! 

Its a money planner. Hence the name on the front. Pure genius. 

A paperchase purchase. We all love a bit of paperchase! 

http://www.paperchase.co.uk/

This is really cool. There's loads of pointless pages in it though. 

I've already filled in the budget pages for the first 3 months and I can see how much has to go out and...I don't know. I'd never thought to do it before because I'm an idiot. I think when its all wrote down on paper its so much clearer and if I'm being honest....a tad bit scary. Especially when I see how much is going out in the first 2 months for debts! I'm just thinking 'I only have to suffer for 2 months! JUST 2 MONTHS!' I can man it. It'll be worth it in the end. 

so....here's August. This is when I'm debt free. So £100 rent for my mum, £15 for my mobile £100 for food (split up into £25 a week...although I don't spend that much on food but you know...to be on the safe side) £4 for Oxfam and then £500 into my savings. Which comes to the grand total of £719. which leaves me money left over for clothes and stuff. Its going to make me more careful with my money that's for sure. In the corner I've wrote 'always split the remaining balance 4 ways' so I'm never going to be out of money. I'm also creating an 'emergency cash' account where I'm going to put a bit of money in each month so I never have to break into my savings. I should really write that down on the 'outgoings' bit...done it. So, £50 is going into the emergency cash bit. Which brings the outgoing balance to...£769 O_0 but its okay because I also get money in tips at work. So....if I don't touch my tips until the end of each month I'll have about £70 extra. The tips could actually be my emergency cash couldn't it? But then if the tips are rubbish....hm...not very reliable I think. Moving on. I'm so excited. I'm really doing it. ME. Managing my money. Awesome sauce. =D 

Time to get this ass into gear!

I am in so much debt right now. Well, I lie, I'm not in as much debt as some people. I'm about.....£1100 in debt. Which is awful. To me. I'm only 21! I have a plan though! I think if I publish this plan I have to follow it. Right? Well...that's what is meant to happen anyway. But here's the thing - someone's opened my eyes. Lets not sugar coat it, I was dumped. I was made to feel so stupid, I was made to question myself...if I'm being honest that's the thing I was most upset about! Anyway - all the stuff that's happened recently has made me want to get up and do something about my life. I'm never going to get anywhere until I get my ass into gear. First things first - pay off debts. Ugh. Its going to be awful. I'm going to feel like I'm working for nothing and for 2 months I have to go without 'things' and I love things! Shopping makes me happy! I love buying new things! Yes, I am AWFUL when it comes to money! *IN DESPERATE NEED OF A MONEY MANAGER!* urm...where was I? Oh yeah, paying off debts. That'll take me 2 months because I'm not a snazzy uptown girl with a well paid job or rich parents, I'm a waitress on minimum wage (which is how all good stories start) and then as soon as they're paid off I'm saving up as much money as I can. I want to do so much. I want to travel. I know that's cliche! Everyone says they want to travel but I really want to. However I want and I will are 2 different things.

I want to travel to New Zealand and visit the home of middle earth!
I want to go to American and tour!
I want to visit Peru so I can do the Inca trail!
I want to jet off to Tanzania and climb Mount Kilimanjaro.
I want to go to Nepal and reach Everest base camp.
I want to go on a safari in South Africa.

I can carry on with the 'I wants' but the 'I wants' aren't going to magically turn into 'I ams' until I get a move on. I don't want to look back and say 'if only' Its quite scary to think that in 21 years I have to sweet nothing. If ONLY I started saving when I first got a job. If there's one bit of advice I can give you its be careful with your money! Save up, have a back up plan because you never know when life is going to screw you over! I'm paying for my past mistakes now but I'm dealing with them and I've learnt from them. I'm never going to let myself get into a mess like this again.

And to think....it took an asshole to make me see this. Well...I should thank him really shouldn't I? Give him a pat on the back and say 'Bravo, Bravo!'

. You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches.

Here's a fact of life - Not everyone is going to like you.
The sooner you accept this fact the better. I'm not always a nice person. I don't pretend to be. I know I'm a bitch. I know I can be nasty. When people hurt me I want to hurt them back. I'm selfish. I have an awful temper. I've said some things in anger that I can never take back. I don't like to be disliked. In fact I used to obsess over being liked. I hated the thought of people not liking me, I used to hide how I truly felt, I used to belittle myself to make others feel good but then I realized I'm allowed emotions and opinions. Even though I don't like all the bad things I've mentioned about myself I know there's lots of good in me at the same time. The problem with society is the moment you say you 'love' yourself is the moment they call you arrogant but today I realized that I may not be everyone's cup of tea but I like who I am. I don't have to agree with opinions I don't agree with just so I'll be liked. I don't have to be liked by everyone. I should just be the best person I can be. If you're worrying over what people are thinking or saying about you you will never achieve anything. You will never stand up for something you believe in. You will never break away from the crowd and do something you really want to do because no one else is doing it. The people in this world who have achieved great things are the people who were brave enough to do something different. You are who you are because of the life experiences you've had. Which is why you have to get as many experiences as possible. If you want to travel and you're friends don't - don't be afraid to go alone! If you want to climb a mountain but people tell you that you'll never be able to do it - do it.

Our Greatest Fear —Marianne Williamson

it is our light not our darkness that most frightens us

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won't feel insecure around you.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.